New York Fashion

There’s a Levi commercial where this guy is putting on jeans except they’re so tight that he has to bunny hop to get them up his legs and every time he jumps the entire world rocks with the massive force of his bunny hop. I don’t think this is an exaggeration for a lot of people in New York because it’s practically a rule for anyone kind of artsy under the age of forty to wear pants tight enough for people behind you to count the rolls of cellulite on your butt cheeks. Since I’m a fashion bumpkin it’s easy for me to notice this dress style and even a few others you might not be familiar with.

The Hipster: The main demographic for the tight Levi jeans commercial. This group consists mostly of young, artsy professional types who also wear small t-shirts, frayed sweaters, stylishly mussed hair and glasses. You might guess they spent five dollars on their outfit or five hundred dollars and you have an even chance of choosing correctly.

The Prepster: The jeans are baggier, the shoes whiter and collars starchier with this group. Think of Kanye West or that frat guy who date raped your freshman roommate’s girlfriend and you’ll have an idea of what the Prepster looks like.

The Pan Handler: There isn’t so much of a uniform dress code for the Pan Handler as there is a uniform smell. Sometimes there are shoes, sometimes callused feet suffice. Most Pan Handlers have rolling luggage bags and a reservation at the park bench that you wanted to sit on.

The Professional: Suits and ties. Blah.

The Retired Old Person: I used to think that old people everywhere wore oversized khakis and $20 sneakers. Now I know it’s a fact. Aesthetically, the Retired Old Person’s outfit is even worse than the Pan Handler’s. Plus, wearing a belt at neck-level isn’t fooling anyone.

The Ethnic: I don’t want to be racist here but ethnic groups in New York tend to dress similarly. It’s okay for me to say this because I’m a minority. If I were white than you could legitimately call me racist, but my Mexican-ness gives me a free pass. Speaking of Mexicans, most wear paint splattered dungarees, boots, and plaid long sleeve shirts. Sometimes a baseball cap is added for a little twist. Those of the African-American persuasion like to wear baggier clothing. The Hasidic Jews in the neighborhood keep it real with tastefully somber black coats.