If Three's Company, Five's a Biohazard

Right now Brooklyn is almost thirty degrees colder than my old room back in Hawaii and that's not even counting the wind chill factor which normally only matters when you're homeless, but in terms of heat retainment my new apartment is on par with a mesh speedo. If only that were the biggest adjustment in my living conditions.

For the last two years I've had the good fortune to live by myself, not counting the fourteen months I spent at home with my parents. I could leave out cans and wrappers, turn the lights off or walk around sans mesh speedo whenever I felt like it.

Now I have two roommates (four if you count squatters) and my freewheeling, mesh speedo shedding ways are out and in their place are some changes I'm not too excited about.

1) Dirt boldly going where it damn well shouldn't

It's a little disturbing seeing a white bathroom with white tiles, white walls, and a white ceiling and then looking down to see that it has a brown shower floor. Did I say disturbing? I meant infectious.

2) No food

I've barely spent any time in Brooklyn so I don't have a clue where to eat nearby. Everybody orders out or goes out but no food survives long enough to make it back to the apartment. I found a cookie in my pocket earlier today and I'm pretty certain I accidentally ate part of the wrapper.

3) Squatters

As I mentioned earlier, there are a couple of squatters in the apartment that make life a little complicated. One guy seems like he's legitimately here for only a couple of days. He may actually be gone already. Another guy is not gone. Apparently he has not been gone for roughly five months, taking first the couch and now a room without ever spending a single penny for rent. He sucks. If I could, I'd kick his ass out right now, but one of the legitimate roommates still takes pity on this guy and allows him to take the room that should be mine. I'm not bitter. Honest.

4) Television monopoly

I like having total remote control of the television. But it's been days since my hand has grasped that symbol for male virility. Once again I am talking about the remote.